29 March 2014

So much

Unannounced I find myself at home this afternoon alone. The bubble of left over Tom Kha on the cooktop and the occasional reposition of Dandy Doodle are the only sounds. 

It's quiet and I need quiet. I didn't know that is what I needed, until I was 35 minutes into it. 

The past week has exhausted me in all the good ways. 

Physically, I have had less sleep, which isn't necessarily good, but the reasons for less sleep have been positive. I have found my way back to my bike the past few weeks (Thanks GPP!). I've discovered I need the repetitive motion of the pedal or feet on a trail for clarity and connection with God. I'm doing my best to meet that need on my bike. When the sun rises a bit earlier, Dandy and I will find our way back to the trails. 

Mentally, I have been stretched to the point of frustration and tears. Unable to grasp what others see in me and why. I have decided their view needs to be my view and learning to see myself, as the one I have been created to be, is difficult. For the weekend, I am unable to retain another scientific process or new word. It is absolutely not a complaint. I'm nerdy and enjoy it, just full for the moment and need to process. 

Socially, I am discovering people are hard and entering into relationships is often difficult. Where does one draw the line? Have I cast my pearls where they should not have been cast? On one side I am learning the hard way, trust must be earned and on the other I am learning the opposite. When people enter into a relationship with honest hearts, connected by spirit to the One who is greater, trust is natural. There is an ability to move beyond surface to a place of honor and depth. A place where it feels right. Experiencing both at the same time, in different circles, has challenged me to see the good when my flesh wants to move in the direction of negative. It is allowing me to give thanks in situations where it is difficult. 

I relized last night and Thursday night and Monday morning I need more impromptu time with my friends. I need more laughter and time sitting on the porch. I need more random dance parties and clinks of wine glasses, celebrating the normal. This season may be busy, but not too busy.

Earlier this year when I shared my word for the year, courage, I do not believe I shared my prayer. My prayer has been something like this:
God, I'm ready. It's taken me quite a few years to arrive at this point. I know, I know, you have been so patient. So thanks for that. But really, I'm ready. I'm ready for what lies ahead. I know it's bigger than me. I know where I am to head and what I am to do, but I'm terrified. I am ready to be a world changer. I pray that over my kids at night, but I don't pray it for myself. So there you have it, God, I am ready to change the world I live in and ready to allow you to use me to bring people to their created capacity. Usine the Table as the physical object, I'm ready for whatever you have for me. 
PS I'm scared. 
PPS I'm scared and so you have to be quick to answer when I call. Deal? 

I'm not sure spiritually exhausted is the right word. Maybe mind-blown is a better phrase. Truly God is blowing my mind. I am grateful for a God who has answered tearful prayers and joyful praise within a moments notice. It is as if God is just seconds ahead of me, waiting to say -- 'becca, I've got this. You have nothing to worry about. I am in control, see _________________. Then he does His thing and again I'm brought to my knees. I told him this is what I needed right now, so my surprise should not be surprise, rather "Thanks, God. I knew I'd hear from you quickly."

This week I confessed this season is a season of busy. My balance has been thrown off a bit. In one year I have moved from volunteer momma and wife to working at GPP and Project Wellness, school at IIN and committing the next 18 -24 months to an apprenticeship. There are cooking classes and yoga classes and the opening of SixEight. 

So much new.
So much full.
So much right and good and fun and yummy.
So much breath and so much prayer.
All of these So muches, makes a heart in this woman which is so much grateful and a right side dimple, which has grown so much deeper. 

*the picture at the top is from the SE Asian cooking class John and I had yesterday. 

1 comment:

anna said...

Joining you in your prayers. You have a huge capacity and there is so much you bring to the world already, with your gifts of hospitality and teaching. Deep love for your tiredness. You got this. I love you.