I saw color.
Not pale or over saturated, but exactly enough.
Today had been one of the most important days of my life. I spent much of my day on hallway floor with kids from Chas' class. We made an art project. I went to the gym and I drove through Starbucks for a friend, because she needed a pick me up and asked for a treat. I carried my little basket through Walmart, price matching blueberries and strawberries. I took DandyDoodle for a car ride. I made lunches and breakfast and will soon prepare dinner. Sound important?
This is where the important begins...
I had an ordinary catch up conversation with one of my favorite friends. She asked how Jonathan and I were doing. I told her how J was and then I said this, "I am not sure I have ever been better." She laughed, in a very good, happy for you, kinda way. I shared something with her that happened to me earlier today; the seeing myself in color thing.
I used different words. I told her I allowed myself to go to a place which has been off limits for most of my life. The place where I give myself permission to see myself as enough -- I went there.
I went there and it felt good.
And it felt right in all the ways which right can feel.
It was spiritual. Not hokey spiritual, but deep and connected to God, spiritual.
Is this what I've been missing all these years? Is this how my Creator sees me and wants me to see myself? For the last thirty years I have seen myself as less than enough. I've tried from time to time to move ahead, but I have failed. Hours with a therapist? I've put them in. Boxes of Kleenex? I've used them. Lost voice from yelling and screaming? Yes. Hungover a time or two* because I wanted to forget? Yes, that too.
If I started to venture to the place, a saying I'd been taught at summer camp appeared and guilt began to seep into my thoughts. I wasn't good unless God and everyone else came ahead of me.
There is a very important word that Luke uses: as. He does not use more or less, he uses the word, as. I have been working on this word for a number of years and today was a win. I did it. I went to the place where I was enough and as and I saw beauty.
I will do my best to go to this place again tomorrow and the next day too. I understand that I will not make it everyday, but I can try. The forty day journey I am in the midst of has been significantly better than fasting in prior years.
In limiting, I've found freedom.
I've invited a couple of friends on this journey to enough. I hope more of you are where I found myself today and not on a journey to find it, but if you are not -- join me. I'm tempted to rent a vacation house and have a week long party later in year for those who find it and those who want to find it. I'm not kidding.
I have shared my ugly, but not today. Today I am sharing color and beauty and enough.
*or maybe three or seventeen. :)